Midway

Posted by Jen in Uncategorized February 22, 2012

Midway… midway…. midway.

We’re about midway through this semester. I’m still about midway through my seminary career. What does the midway look like?

Midway brings about images of county fairs and circuses, at least to me. A loud, dusty, colorful place full of potential for experiencing thrills, deliciousness, anxiety (if you’re a weenie when it comes to the big rides) and indigestion. The metaphor fits for me in this moment. There are fun things and stressful things, intimidation and heightened emotions. And there’s always the possibility that I’ll either throw up or win a prize.

Last night when I was reading for Systematic Theology, I looked up from my book and my bookshelf caught my eye. It’s chuck full of books from the 45 credit hours of class I’ve completed so far; my first thought was that I won’t have enough room for all of my books at this rate. Then I started thinking about how many hours I’ve spent with so many of those books in the last year and a half. Each of the books from seminary thus far represents time spent with a pen or highlighter, hunched over (hello future back problems!) in the library, at my desk, in a friend’s room, in the study lounge or on an airplane, working hard to make sense of concepts and stay awake in my general exhausted state. Most represent a paper (or papers!) that I’ve worried about, worked on at every imaginable hour of the day and night, and turned in wondering if I’ve done what’s expected of me.

Overall, I think I’ve been successful in seminary. I’ve passed all my classes, I’ve made really great friends, I’ve struggled with faith and concepts, felt new levels of elation, love, stress and pain. This is what it’s all about, I think. Sure, considering the level of knowledge I came to Wesley with, I’ve learned a lot about God, Christ, faith, history, scripture, sacraments and liturgy. All of this is important work.

In light of one of my resolutions this year, I’m feeling pretty good about how the first half of seminary has been. The second half of this semester will easily be the most difficult thus far (and hopefully overall). Hopefully I can keep my head above water and share the rollercoaster (or the pirate ship or zipper) ride that is to come.

Well, I’m Methodist….

Posted by Jen in Uncategorized January 17, 2012

So… I have this… this rash. On my neck and chest. It’s not gross, just red and itchy and annoying. Just after the new year I had it looked at, the doc prescribed some topical meds and I’ve been treating it. Today was my follow up appointment and, as I am sitting on the paper covered, unreasonably tall exam chair/table thing, with my shirt off, we realize that we haven’t given the meds enough time to work – the doc would like to see me again in two weeks.

She stops and asks why we were meeting so soon after my first appointment.. wasn’t it because I was going to school? “Yes”, I tell her. “It starts tomorrow, and even though it’s here in DC, when school starts my life gets crazy. For example, I won’t be here when you are looking for me to come back in.”

“Oh, where are you going?” she asks. Already I am wondering why I am still having a conversation without a shirt.

“To Austin for a board meeting”, I reply.

“But, you’re in school. For theolo…” she trails off, unsure of how that word ends. “Do you want to be an Episcopal priest or something?”

I hesitate. I’ve had to explain to many many people what my goals are here in seminary. To my parents at holidays, family, friends during wedding weekends, large groups of people sitting an a living room, during interviews, but never have I had to try and explain the diaconate of the United Methodist Church IN JUST A BRA. But this was good practice to see just how short I could make the story. “Well, I’m Methodist….” I start.

The List

Posted by Jen in Uncategorized January 6, 2012

New Year’s Resolutions seem so cliche and like a great way to dissappoint yourself – it’s even become cliche to talk about how pointless and/or difficult resolutions are to keep. Tv and radio commercials admit that resolutions are laughable… and I don’t want to sound like an advertisement in any way, shape or form. And yet, here goes… I’ve been avoiding them for the past week, but I want to get on board in general.

Resolutions are a great idea in the abstract. Change yourself! Become better than you were last year. Do something great. Break a habit.

Why do we try to do this in the coldest, darkest month of the year, when instincts tell us to eat fatty foods and curl up under warm covers for the day? I know, it seems like an excuse to blame instincts- we can overcome seasonal inclinations to become better people! But becoming a better person is hard work. (Full disclosure: I am sitting here eating free bacon at work, not judging anyone) Obstacles of temptation, lack of motivation and concealed unhealthiness are always around, but in January they seem to be compounded. One benefit of the tradition of New Year’s resolutions is that everyone is starting together. It can be a sort of ‘we’re all in this together-bonding-mutually supportive’ event. Ok, I don’t think that really happens much, but it’s a good idea to think about when you’re trying to encourage yourself to participate (in the strange, split personality, self reflective, ‘devil’s advocate’ way that my conscience often works).

Anyway, my attempt at resolutions this year will be few and specific to make them more susceptible to success. (Being overtaken by success is such a nice, lazy, helpless idea – completely unAmerican and backward, but strangely appealing. I would like to fall victim to success.) So, without further ado…

1. Be healthier:

Stop drinking soda (holidays don’t count)
Exercise at the very minimum 1x a week

2. Be happier:

Appreciate what I have – Blog or journal often (hopefully more than once a week) about the things in my life that I appreciate.
Be nicer to myself – focus on the things I did well each day, rather than those that I’d count as failures.

After staring at this list for a while, I realize that it’s not focused on anything ‘theological’, specifically (as one might expect from the title of this blog). School helps me focus on being spiritual, doing for others, community building, worship and the like. I need to be intentional about caring for myself, as I am the only one responsible for my own wellbeing. And then there’s all that ‘take care of yourself so you can take care of others’ talk…

So… Happy New Year. Let’s do this.

New Year… Same Me

Posted by Jen in Uncategorized January 2, 2012

I’m THIS close to making a New Year’s resolution. Maybe I’ll share if it materializes? Can I be more noncommittal? I dunno!

Something New Every Day

Posted by Jen in Uncategorized December 24, 2011

Since I am staying at my mom’s house, and she doesn’t have internet, this post is a little old. From December 22nd….

Sometimes when I think about writing, a scene similar to the one in which I am present pops into my head. A fire is burning out behind me in a wood stove. A lamp with beaded tassels glows over my shoulder, providing all the light in the room, save for the nine foot tall Christmas tree turning slowly, twinkling and sparkling, heavy with ornaments and, somewhat inexplicably, birds.

So the scene is a little strange. In any case, it’s quiet, calm and pretty dark in here. If I was a man, I’d think I should be smoking a pipe and sporting a cardigan. Alas, no. I am sporting fleece pants and a tee shirt, so the mood is a flop.

I’ve been ‘free’ for a week now. No mandatory reading, paper stress, stinkbugs in the bathroom, showering with flip flops on. No data entry, no early morning metro rides crammed with sleeping professionals. It’s been quite great. And I still have another week to go. It’s not been all lounging around and relaxing though, I promise. I was liturgist on Sunday at my old church in Madison. It was really nice to see everyone again, but it seemed a bit bittersweet. Trinity and I are growing apart. The community in which I found my spiritual legs is different than when I was really a part of it. The pastor is very different, people have been in flux and the feeling has changed. This was my fear when I left for Russia in 2008 (which seems like forever ago); that I’d lose what I had come to love so dearly. As much as I worried about the change then, I am much more at peace with it now than I thought I’d be. I still love the people of Trinity, and I doubt that will ever change, but I don’t desperately need the church to stay exactly the same, the way that I did just a few years ago. My faith has grown up some since then, it doesn’t hang precariously on one solitary experience in one community. Before, if Trinity had deserted me or fallen apart, there was a good chance that it would have shaken my faith to its destruction.

I’ll use the same ‘building’ metaphor to try and explain. Trinity was my first little wooden safe house of faith, I camped inside it’s sturdy old walls while my foundation was dug, poured and set by the people of Trinity and my pastor. Then my friends, professors, mentors, and coworkers helped me build upon that foundation, elaborating on what Trinity had started. Sure, I played a role in this building project, did some heavy lifting, but I need to emphasize that I couldn’t have done any of this on my own. And, while it’s not explicit in this metaphor, I believe that God worked through the process to get me to the here and now. How God worked, well, that’s like the ‘paint’ stage in my faith building project – we’ve only just sturdied up the frame and shingled the roof. I’m not there yet. My point is that now that I’m not relying on Trinity to be my sole source of spiritual development, I can survive a change that I might not be completely keen on.

So, I was liturgist, but I wasn’t slotted to do much. In fact, after I read the scriptures, I was done for the day. We had a short Christmas hymn sing, so I slipped out of the chancel and sang from the congregation with my good friend Bethany, who likes to harmonize. (That’s how you get me, I’m learning. Harmony.) Things felt much more right from there.

Yesterday I spoke to Amanda’s youth about the World Methodist Conference. That was nerve wracking, but not in the way that I’ve normally experienced nerves. There were 40 people in her living room (yes, she has 30 youth and yes, 40 people can fit in her living room, apparently) and I blathered my way through a half an hour (with questions from the audience). It was more excitement jitters than my usual ‘this could be the end of me, fight or flight’ fear surrounding public speaking. It went acceptably well, it being my first time doing anything like that.

Now it’s back to doing nothing. And by nothing I mean reading, sleeping, watching movies and… hopefully learning how to bake bread soon. I’ve got to learn ‘bread’ and ‘pie crust’ before… well, just before. It’s going to be fun.

Hopefully I get a chance to post again before getting back into the swing of things in DC. Until then, Merry Christmas!

Puffed Up

Posted by Jen in Uncategorized November 21, 2011

You know what the greatest part about being home is? You get to be hugged and ‘loved on’ and be told you’re missed and on and on. If you’re lucky, which I am. I am so very very lucky to have the family and friend and church support that I have at home, even if ‘home’ is all spread across Wisconsin.

Earlier today I was hanging out with the person I most look up to in ministry. She asked me if I was ready to hear what her plan was for the next part of my life (this is our joke – she likes to make this dream scenarios where everything falls into place according to how she deems fit. It’s hilarious, but I usually agree that I would also prefer her plan. It works out well.) She then described how if she had her way she’d get herself into a position to be able to hire me when I am ‘available’. I swear you could see me swell with pride. My mentor wants to hire me?! Regardless of how any of her grand plans play out, I know I can take that idea home with me and let it help me get through this next crazy month.

This semester has really drained me, emotionally, physically, mentally. I felt empty when I left DC a couple of days ago. This trip is teaching me that ‘home’ is there to give you your legs back, to fill your lungs again and to push you forward through the rough times. This Thanksgiving week I give thanks for ‘home’, however you define it.

I shouldn’t be doing this.

Posted by Jen in Uncategorized November 15, 2011

Every time I am doing something that isn’t schoolwork, my first thought is ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’.

But I need a break, I think. I can’t concentrate. I’m tired. Life is hard.

Usually my mental excuses lead to that. Life is hard.

So I shouldn’t be writing this now, I shouldn’t be wasting time. Really, I just want a day when I am allowed to ‘waste’ the whole thing. At home, it shouldn’t be considered waste. I don’t get to see those people ever now, but the schoolwork doesn’t care. In the back of my mind I am still thinking ‘I have 35 pages of papers left to write, I need to be doing something (scholarly) now!’

Guess what! I had a birthday and it lasted forever. I did lots of fun things that I won’t describe because (see title).

Ok, getting back to work.