So it’s lent. A time when often people ‘give something up’. It’s become more popular lately to ‘take something on’ or just be more intentional or… or… or whatever. We like to disagree about the best way to be faithful – which practice is the most theologically sound and so on. We just really like to argue. (to be fair, we also really like to think about the best ways to do things and be and live. Disagreement will always arise at this point)
I’m giving something up.
At first I thought I’d go the healthy route. ‘I’m giving up drinking anything but water. And I’m committing to be in bed by midnight every night’, I said at dinner a couple of days before Ash Wednesday. And then Ash Wednesday came.
At worship a week ago we talked about having idols, worshipping idols. We were encouraged to think about those things that got in the way of your relationship with God and living the way that we’re all called to live. We wrote these idols onto a small, white, tea light and lit the flame, burning our false idols. I realized then that I had given up the wrong things. Soda and sleep deprivation doesn’t really get between me and God. (one might argue with this statement if I’m extra grumpy because I’m tired)
The deep seated desire and at times overwhelming need for other people’s love and affirmation is what gets between me and God. I’m needy and I’m easily convinced that I don’t have friends or that my friends don’t actually love me. So, very often I am trying to tease that out of them, some sort of proof that their love is real.
This doubt-affirmation-doubt cycle is exhausting and pretty pointless. But beyond that, I realize that putting all that weight on whether or not other people love me means that I don’t trust that God’s love is sufficient for me. While I might say that it is, clearly I don’t live as though this is true.
Ok. So I am giving up on needing you to love me for lent. Right… How do I do that? I’ve already stumbled in the week since I made this commitment by posting a provocative, attention grabbing, ‘please worry about me, things aren’t going well’ post on Facebook.
A great example of how not to give up needing affirmation during lent. I’m pretty embarrassed by this post, but I’m not going to take it down to hide that I screwed up. What I DID do, however, was remove Facebook from my phone, as it’s ENTIRE purpose in my life is to bolster my ego. Clearly if I’m trying to kick that habit, I don’t need to have it available on the go.
From what I can see, most of what I’ll need to do during lent is mental and emotional, rather than physical or action-based. Sure, I shouldn’t post stupid things on Facebook or text people about how bad my day was. But beyond that, I need to focus on what people mean when they say that God’s love is sufficient for them. I have to try to keep myself from thinking that my worth hinges on whether or not someone smiles at me in the hallway or laughs at my jokes or answers my texts. I need to stress that my aim is not to reject acts of affection from people, but just to deny those acts so much power on my emotional well being.
Who will I give the power to determine whether or not I am loved?
TheoloJen 