I didn’t even realize how unwell I was, and I don’t know how long I was unwell before I hit the breaking point. In January of this year, however, after finally being enrolled in an insurance plan through the marketplace, I made an appointment to get my mind moving in the right direction.
I started taking generic Lexapro at the end of that month, and the kinks began to work themselves out. Slowly. I stopped having panic attacks at stoplights, I didn’t have to worry as much about my friendships, and then I was able to make healthy decisions for myself about unhealthy friendships. I was released from the paralyzing fear that accompanied me up on to the chancel every time I was asked to help with worship. And then I wasn’t nervous even to give a sermon.
And then.
The most exciting consequence of seeking help and finding it has been the development of my current relationship. Over the last 4-5 years I have wanted to try, I’ve wanted so badly to give a relationship a go, but two or three days into ‘dating’, I’d panic. My anxiety and low self esteem would get me spinning and the resulting tension would build up so quickly and oppressively that I’d find myself under my covers, crying, feeling like a failure, disappointed and convinced that I’d never find someone. The only way to find relief was to end the budding relationship and endure the embarrassment and confusion of that end.
Now, I can let my guard down. I can let this man know that I like him without second guessing myself every minute and worrying that I am going to hurt him. I can look ahead without obsession and live in the moment without over-analyzation.
Don’t get me wrong – I think that the therapy helped a little bit, especially with some specific complicated situations that were causing me problems. But I firmly believe that it’s the drugs that have changed my life. I haven’t researched how (that’s my neuroscientist boyfriend’s realm… I should have him explain it to me) but I know the change is real. I cannot express how absolutely grateful I am.
So where’s my advertising gig, Lexapro?
TheoloJen 